Sex before the Sexual Revolution ....

Thought that would catch your eye ! ;)

It's actually the title of a book I finally finished reading this summer. Sex before the Sexual Revolution: Intimate Life in England 1918-1963, by Simon Szreter & Kate Fisher. (publisher: Cambridge University Press 2010).

A collection of oral histories recounting people's attitudes and experience of sexuality, usually in marriage relationships, up until the great social changes of the 1960s. It is a touching exercise: it wasn't easy for the people interviewed to express themselves because that sort of talk was simply not their preoccupation in life.

I really appreciated the conclusions, which readjust our assumptions that sexuality before contraception and 'freer' morality was a male-dominated female-submission, unfulfilling exercise.

These are the chapter titles. I will note what I appreciated and what I think.

Ch1- Introduction

Ch2- The Facts of Life: learning about sex in childhood and youth

Parents preferred that their children not be too knowledgeable about sex, and women valued their lack of knowledge as being a guarantee of their respectability. "The association of innocence with attractive femininity remained strongly ingrained ...for all respectable women." (p110) For men, however, it was a fun challenge to find out more about sex, and they saw it as their responsibility to be in charge in the bedroom.

You see these attitudes in so many films from that era.

Me: With the sexual freedom encouraged in our Western society, our kids have been exposed very early on to sexuality. I have always wanted my children to learn about sexuality from me first, knowing they would hear a lot more outside of the home as well. However, I've always regretted that they have had to be exposed so young. Recent findings about the maturation of the human brain have shown that the section which controls maturity and reflection is the last to be developped and the process can end around 25 years of age. That is a vital thing to know in looking at human sexuality, successful, balanced relationships, stable emotional health.

Ch3- Sexual intimacies before marriage.

"Thus gendered and class-based codes surrounding sexual knowledge and communication shaped different communities' premarital intimate behaviours." (p.162) Partly being respectable, partly negotiating how far the couple would go, which could also codify the seriousness and ultimate outcome (marriage) of their relationship, muchly fear of pregnancy. However, in general, men were expected to try, and women to refuse and control how far.

Me:  Contraception has radically changed our sexuality. No more fear of pregnancy (except that unwanted pregnancies amongst teenage girls is still considered a social problem here in France), and the individualistic and hedonistic view that our personal fulfillment depends on our experience of pleasure. This chapter makes me reflect on the idea of communication between the couple, and on what it means to get to know one another. I still consider sexual intimacy as being the ultimate gift to one's partner: and so the process of becoming intimate and appreciating the other is vital.

Another issue for me is that since marriage is no longer the only way to construct one's family life, and that couples are marrying far later, holding off on sexual relationships before marriage is difficult to advocate. We have that problem in our churches today. How do we deal with our sexuality as adults if we are not in a permanent relationship?

Ch4- Romance and love: finding a partner

"In talking of their decisions to get married interviewees constructed a balance between romance and realism, ... acknowledging the importance of love and intimacy, albeit within the practical context of the kind of hard-working partnership that would be necessary for a successful marriage." (p.195)

Remembering that this is between wars or just after.

Me: Right up until the 1950s, being practical and looking for a spouse with good housekeeping skills and good breadwinning skills, was a normal way to find one's partner. As this chapter points out, these criteria don't rule out attractiveness and compatibility nor falling in love. Our society places too much emphasis on romance and passion, especially sexual compatibility, and our marriages (or long-term commitments) suffer from unrealistic expectations. With the nuclear family system and both spouses working, we are becoming more and more isolated socially and relationships are suffering.

Ch5- Married love: caring and sharing

"It was important to most interviewees that caring for each other in reciprocal and complementary ways was combined with a sense of sharing, while carefully respecting the other partner's domain of authority. With such an understanding maintained, trust in each other and a capacity for generosity, give and take could all grow." (p.225)

Me : Probably my favorite section! What's the secret of a happy marriage ? Working out your roles and responsibilities within the couple, respecting those domains, building up trust, which then allows a healthy sexual life together. I'm not advocating specific roles for men and women as in the old days! Technology, education, equal opportunity etc have changed the face of gender roles and they can be negotiated by the couple. The New Man, the Millenium Man ... these terms reflect the way men behave and how they construct their identity in this new feminist era. I meet the term of 'companionate marriage' for the first time.

Ch6- Birth control, sex and abstinence

Inspite of increasing information and availability of contraceptive methods, couples tended to rely on withdrawal, moderation and abstinence to prevent pregnancy. There was a strong feeling that these practices were part of a loving and caring relationship. The authors note a difference between working and middle-class attitudes. They also point out that the responsibility for birth control evolved towards the women in the 1960s.  " ...part of the subsequent mass appeal of the oral contraceptive pill in the 1960s was that some men saw it as releasing them from taking responsibility for contraception, a hedonistic 'permissive' stance, promoted in the new brand of popular male pornographic magazines published from the mid-60s... [This] new sexual culture [] many of the interviewees found objectionable and antithetical to their own values ..." (p.267)

Me : I was brought up to consider it my responsibility to decide for my own body what was best: contraception is my domain. However, when deciding on the suitable type of contraception, it is the couple who should discuss it together. I'm particularly wary of oral contraception because it plays with our natural cycles. I'm against the 'morning after' pill because it's a form of abortion. Contraceptive practices can change over time as well.

I'm glad the authors pointed out that the interviewees didn't necessarily relate to the new social norms being adopted by younger generations, because I think the latter have lost out somewhere. Sexuality has become such a focus for us all that it has clouded other vital aspects of human life. These older generations weren't desperately unhappy ... (although obviously a certain number of marriages were unhappy and mistakes made.)

Ch7- Bodies

"Glamour has almost always been linked with artifice ... and often sexual-allure", Carol Dyhouse, quoted "This conflicted with the interviewees' core values in relation to the naturalness of their bodies and of sex.

In summary, ...most interviewees enjoyed a sexual relationship during their marriages without sexualising or eroticising particular physical aspects of their bodies. Many sought to maintain important standards of health and cleanliness where possible and to avoid impinging upon each other's sense of bodily privacy. ...this was also part of a positive aspiration for beautiful and respectable marital sex, as something natural and spontaneous. Bodies were viewed as natural -'givens'... By contrast, eroticised bodies or the use of artifice or cosmetics ... was viewed with suspicion ...as something linked to illicit or disreputable sex of a contrived, non-natural form." (p.316)

Me: And it took a social revolution to change and to bring in fashion, sexual attractiveness and make-up into the younger generations. The trend continues today with the addition of tatooing. I admit that I much prefer the above approach to sexual happiness in marriage; accepting the naturalness, enjoying intimacy and spontaneity, respecting the privacy of one's spouse, teaching children to be careful about their bodies, cleanliness. There is so much pressure on us all in today's world to perform, to 'improve' on what nature has given us, and eroticism is seen to be the key to sexual fulfillment. Appearances ... and yet, are we happier today with this so-called freedom ? How do we see ourselves ? How do we judge others ? Advertising and commerce have lead us to concentrating on the non-essential and people are now more and more disillusioned with who they are. They no longer trust others, and media influence is so strong that public opinion can be manipulated. We are living in a web of lies and artifice and our insecurity is our greatest handicap.

Ch8- Sex, love, duty, pleasure?

We have evidence that sexual fulfillment was not common for women before contraception took away the fear of unwanted pregnancies. However, this study reveals that "Cultures of silence and strict moral codes were not necessarily antithetical to the enjoyment of sexual intercourse.... For these generations, sex was viewed as fulfilling when part of a private relationship in which it was not discussed, when natural, spontaneous and free from cultural interference, when it represented the coming together of pure and clean bodies, and when couples used it to demonstate the giving, rather than the receiving, of pleasure. Discussions of sexual pleasure were thus intimately connected to codes of respectability, female sexual innocence, caring and sharing, duty and privacy." (pp.318,319)

Me: Discussing sexuality and the right of women to enjoy sex became more and more the topic of books and articles and investigation in the 30s right through to the social revolution of the 60s. But we'd be wrong to think that sexual activity was a disaster for women before that. This chapter points out how much the partners felt it was a way of showing love and looking after the spouse. It was a highly private matter. Today, the emphasis on sexual fulfillment has gone overboard and is almost like an addiction. It's become such a technical act and relies on varying practises to make it an erotic experience. I wonder if we can't return to promoting a quieter, more private matter which is enjoyable through spontaneity, naturalness, cleanliness, enjoyment given and received in mutual exploration. What image do our children have of sexuality and fulfillment in long-term relationships?

Ch9- The morning after

Because the study was done in the 1990s, the interviewees were able to compare their experiences in the light of current attitudes towards sex. Interestingly, they still felt they had had the better deal because of the values outlined in Ch8. They felt that there is far too much emphasis on sexuality today to the detriment of longer-lasting, caring relationships. Privacy is paramount. They preferred their naturalness, spontaneity, and creativity.

Me: I guess I'm glad that we can be more open in discussing sexuality within the couple, and would even encourage it as part of the communication necessary within the couple necessary for a fruitful relationship. But I did appreciate reading these conclusions because they readjust our view of past generations and moderate our approach in this day and age. It's almost a relief to read this report and to feel less under pressure in assessing whether I have a happy marriage and sexual life compared to .... In fact, I don't have to compare at all, just snuggle up and enjoy my husband's company ....

But I am very concerned about what is being understood by our younger generations and how they are constructing their views of long-term relationships and sexuality. Dare I say that biblical values of keeping oneself for the chosen partner, of developing intimacy and emotional security within one relationship which we deliberately plan to be long-term, of the idea of caring, sharing and gift of oneself are values that I espouse ('scuse the pun!) and would want my children to adopt ?

I'M SELLING MY COPY IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED - CONTACT ME.